Even though Christmas is nearing it’s been hard to keep enough focus on feeling joyful. Instead, more of my focus has been put on hurt — memories or conversations or current moments or relationships. There are so many things we’re still processing — even simple things, like the fact we live in California (!!!), that it’s been too easy to have my thoughts drift towards the hurt I’ve been carrying around. I know deep in my heart, and even dancing around my heart, that this is a joyful time of year. I need to have more joy in my thoughts. But typing that out doesn’t take away the things that makes my heart feel heavy. And the truth, I know I’m not alone in this. What kinds of hurt are you feeling right now?
This is very different for me to be writing on this topic. It feels different. It looks different. But life isn’t perfect, right? Life is real. Life is beautiful, and life has little bits of hurt in it. Which I suppose brings me back full-circle to Christmas.
Christ knows my hurt and honestly, that brings me peace.
HERE ARE A FEW THINGS I’M STRUGGLING WITH:
- knowing my life is seriously going to change in March once baby comes. I am so excited + know it will be beautiful, but in this process of acceptance I’m really struggling with selfishness, of the layer I’ll be shedding in order to become the mother I’ve been chosen to become.
- knowing how to heal from hurt friendships. I’ve heard the saying, “friendships are only for a season,” and yes, that is totally true — only God knows how long those seasons will last. But when those seasons end abruptly, when hurt whips you in the face as the friendship fades away, it makes me wish “hurt” never knew how to exist. I know this is an area I need to finish healing in.
- money + “things”. When Zack + I made the decision to move to Los Angeles it was a very quick decision. We really felt in our hearts that the fall of 2012 was “the time” for us to move. I know most of this decision stemmed from traveling with Compassion International to Tanzania. I know selling + donating pretty much all of our belongings was the right thing to do. We knew it would be expensive to move 2,000 miles, that it would be a huge adjustment, that the changes we were about to experience weren’t anything we could fully prepare our lives for. But we still said yes. We still trusted God to carry us through this very new, very different adventure. We’ve been in LA for about 14 weeks now and I still have moments where all I want are the things we had in Minneapolis. This has been a big struggle for me. Whatever we could fit in our Jeep is what we brought to Los Angeles. A tiny portion of what we had in Minnesota went back to Michigan with Zack’s parents. The rest was sold or donated. And I really think a huge part of why I’m struggling with these things is because I had put too much of my identity into these things. I need to know who I am without the money we had or the things we owned.
I NEED TO REMEMBER WHO I AM IN CHRIST, WHICH IS:
- a 27-year-old mama + wife who owns a handmade business, encourages her husband + decorates her home with love.
- a blue-eyed, curly-haired gal who loves to fall asleep at night reading a good book.
- a woman needing to remember that joy comes from Him, not from a person or thing found on this earth.
As much change as we’ve had these last four years, I’m still not used to it.
But today is a new day. I’m praying we can focus on more grace, less hurt and an extra long sip of morning coffee.
Today is a new day, and hurt doesn’t need to follow me around any longer.
PS. something I noticed after I wrote this post: The stuff that muddles our lives, it has a way of taking up way too much room. But the stuff that Christ can give us, yes it’s simple, but it’s also so much more beautiful.